drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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