How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
