If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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