i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
