hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
