YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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