why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
