did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
