i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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