Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
