You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
