I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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