Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
