I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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