its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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