We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
