We got so high we made milksteak
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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