moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
