he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
