So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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