Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
