put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
