Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
