The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
