Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
