Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
