The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
PANTIES FOUND
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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