Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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