i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
