No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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