Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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