she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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