I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
