I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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