To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Pants are for mortals
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
