The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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