i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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