Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
