Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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