The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Randomize
