I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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