You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
