At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
