you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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