I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
