dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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