Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
