fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
