Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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