I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
